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Saturday, December 6th, 2003
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6:44 pm - WIERD.
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I had no idea this journal still existed.
For those of you who still have this journal listed as a friend, if you read this, please be aware that I have had a new journal for almost a year.
LJ Username: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) baby_lets_twist
Please add that new name, hope to see some old friends on my new LJ.
Love to ALL of you....
current mood:  weird
current music: Voodoo Church
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
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6:48 pm - BLARG!!!
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Alright, so I am here now.
Sorry to anyone who has had to deal with Linda in the last few days. Thats what I get for leaving everything on the comp, and with the ability to keep my passwords saved...
All my passwords have been changed, and my journal is now friends only.
I am quite happy here right now, things are better than I thought they would be. Life is looking lovely, but who knows how long that will last.
I will getting in touch with everyone individually in the next few days, once I get a bit more settled.
Much love to all of you.
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
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10:35 pm - Pain....
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Its funny how the people you love can make you so miserable, so easily.
I am stressed right now. Very, very stressed.
I want nothing more than to be in Florida right this second, even just for a day.
To YOU: We are both insecure. I am just as easily made jealous as you. I want to be there just as much as you want me there. But I trust you (god help me) and I think it will work out. I really feel that it will. Please don't be so sad.
current mood:  lonely
current music: When In Rome - "The Promise" (I am a sappy bastard)
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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1:28 am - Cheese of DOOM!
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Word of advice:
Never make Quesadillas (sp?) at one in the morning when you are tired.
You just end up scalding yourself with boiling hot cheese.
ACK! CHEESE BURNS HURT!!!!
current mood:  sore
current music: Sultans Of Ping - "Where's Me Jumper"
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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12:03 am - "What ever happened to, that silly dream you had....
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....I want to make it real, i'd love to rub your back, like a plane crash that never hits the ground, i'll fall in love with you, i'm nose over tail for you. Your voice like the sound of sirens, to a house on fire. Your saving me."
Today I know I hurt more than one person.
I feel like shooting myself in the face.
HEY PEOPLE! Feel free to kick my ass if I hurt your feelings today.
Ok, so I am STILL sick. Fucking die stupid flu! Nothing will kill it, I have taken antibiotics and drank tea and lots of rest, and I still feel like crap. Grrrr.
Want to see the lovely Jenn creature soon, but I havent been feeling well. Matt never even called me back about coming to see me the other day, probabely didnt want to be infected with my sickness.
Talked on the phone with _____ tonight, told him some things from my past I have never really told anyone, and it wasnt nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I actually feel better now that there is someone who knows this certain thing and cares. He said the right things (he always does) and I feel closer to him as a friend than before. His phone bill is going to be SOOO awful. He has called and spent hours on the phone with me every night this week. I cant be worth it. Its amazing how scary it can be to let someone get close to you, but how nice it feels once you let your guard down.
Tomorrow I must clean my house, my roommate is coming home thursday night, and I want it to be nice for her. Especially since I might be trying to break my lease early, I dont want to much bad blood between us. Off to bed for now I suppose.
YOU are the only place in my heart I call home....only 26 days.
current mood: lonely
current music: Alkaline Trio - "Nose Over Tail"
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(19 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 27th, 2003
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3:47 am - Florida bound???
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Oh yeah.
I dont care but am pretending I do.
HOORAY WE LOST THE SUPERBOWL!!!
I was rooting for the other team anyhow, as they might be my team soon, showing some support...
Im such a traitor.
Check out my hot new blue journal....ahhhh yeah baby.
current mood:  amused
current music: Jags - "Back Of My Hand"
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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2:19 am - "I think i'm on another world with you....
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.....You get under my skin, I don't find it irritating..."
Sometimes it feels like everything will just come together the right way. And it seems like things are finally looking up.
Sometimes you meet people and they are so perfect, that you dont care about anything stupid, like location, or common sense, and they could look anyway, or dress anyway, or act any way, and it wouldnt matter.
Sometimes you just care about something so much that nothing else matters at all, and its the only thing you can focus on or think about, and you just feel so good.
I just feel SO good right now.
I have my house to myself, and I am blasting the "Only Ones" at two in the morning, my kitten is running around like a mad person, and the world is currently a really beautiful place.
When did I start to believe in fate, and where did all this come from?
current mood:  pleased
current music: Only Ones - "Another Girl, Another Planet"
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 26th, 2003
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2:16 am - Not too exciting.
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I just revamped my whole website.
It is much brighter and very non-goth looking now.
Its cheery.
Anyone who is interested should check it out........
current mood:  accomplished
current music: The Faint - "Worked Up So Sexual"
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
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8:24 pm - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
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I think I am in love.
Ignore this, its probabely not true....
current mood: chipper
current music: Devo - "Beautiful World"
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 19th, 2003
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5:16 pm - Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity......
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"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -Bush Jr.-
I light of recent protests in San Francisco (http://www.ainfos.ca/en/ainfos10860.html) I decided to post links to various sites that provide alternative news and ideas.
All of these are sites that I visit daily and enjoy, however if anyone reading this would like to add a link, please let me know.
http://www.crimethinc.com
http://www.adbusters.org
http://www.alternet.org
http://www.conspiracyplanet.com
http://www.viceland.com
http://www.indymedia.org
http://www.etherzone.com
http://www.ips.org
http://www.theonion.com
http://www.guardian.co.uk (thanks for the last two Mr. Fresh ;)
For those of you who would like T-shirts and stickers to show how you feel about politics, I recommend these sites:
http://www.gwbush.com (love the "if you can read this, your not the president" sticker)
http://www.unamerican.com
And last but not least, some of my favorite bush quotes, that just make me so proud that he represents us, as americans....
"I know that human beings and fish, can coexist peacefully." WTF?
"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating"
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
And my very favorite.
"I AM NOT PART OF THE PROBLEM, I AM A REPUBLICAN"
current mood:  embarrassed
current music: Crass - "Do they owe us a living"
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 18th, 2003
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4:59 pm - "Forever aint that long, when your smiles stuck in your head like a pop song"
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GOD DAMN IT!
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine here in sacto. He has been too busy to see me lately, he couldnt even call me to respond to the (many) messages left on his machine.
He finally called today. I missed the call, but thought, how great, maybe he isnt so busy anymore, maybe he wants to hang out again. I called him back.
He was really distant. He seems as stressed out as I have been lately. I wish I could talk to him about the similarities in feelings, but he doesnt seem like he will give a crap.
The conversation ended in just a few minutes, with him saying "If I dont see you tonight, I will call you..........sometime"
I doubt I will hear from him anytime soon.
FUCK!
I thought for a brief amount of time that I was falling for this boy, but realized once I didnt have him around that he just reminded me of something/someone I used to have. I love the boy, but not how I thought I did.
I just want his fucking friendship back.
Sometimes he reads this, so if he is now I just want to say:
DO YOU HEAR ME! I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR FUCKING FRIEND AGAIN, WHY WONT YOU LET ME IN!!!!
I am not angry, I am just so frustrated...
I want to make things better in my life, I want to get back to a place emotionally where I can function like a regular human being. Without the depression and the social anxiety, I dont need to be blissfull, I just want life to be tolerable.
I am looking for a second job on monday, I need some extra money. I dont know who knows this, but I dont know how to drive. Someone needs to help me learn, because I am buying a car soon. By buying a car, I am putting my friends back at a physically obtainable level. I am going to start doing other things, things I cant really explain here, to get myself mentally healthy again. I need to stop thinking that things outside of me are going to make me better. None of you can make me better.......
I lied....I am angry, but only at myself.
current mood:  irate
current music: Just started a playlist of all the angriest music I have....
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, January 17th, 2003
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11:13 pm - I cant wait a long long time before I hear another love song....
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So there is this really cute boy in my kitchen cooking for me right now.
Earlier he baked a cake, now he is making food because other than cake, I have eaten nothing today.
He does this for a living, so its no big deal to him, but I cant remember the last time someone cooked for me, so I am more than stoked.
Last night Dire and I went out to eat, it was really good to see him again, its been awhile, far longer than I like. He stayed over for a little while after and downloaded the shopgirl video "exotic pictures" onto my computer. Then we watched anime.
Tomorrow I am supposed to see Bryan around lunch time, and then hopefully I can meet up with Dire later on for ghetto sushi. Must call both lovely young men when I get up tomorrow.
I am feeling really good right now, and the emotional trauma from the last few days is sort of dissapearing. The conversation with Ryan, and all the support from friends has helped a great deal and has really put things into perspective.
I guess I am luckier than I think I am sometimes....
Now I am going to go enjoy Matt's food and company.
Random: I am thinking of you Andrew and miss you. *HUG HUG HUG*
current mood:  good
current music: Will and Grace as background noise...
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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7:55 pm - Conversations to cheer me up...
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Thinkandreact = Me
CheeseHazard = Andrew
CheeseHazard: I HAVENT BEEN HUGGED IN REAL LIFE IN MONTHS!
CheeseHazard: I think I am a lepor
thinkandreact: im sorry doll
CheeseHazard: im gonna steal a hug from someone
thinkandreact: how do you steal a hug?
CheeseHazard: bitch give me that hug
CheeseHazard: haha
CheeseHazard: not sure
CheeseHazard: i'll just kinda find a girl and just grab them and hug them
CheeseHazard: in the mall
CheeseHazard: at abercombie & fitch
CheeseHazard: i'll not shower before hand so she likes it more
CheeseHazard: maybe i'll walk to cali
CheeseHazard: haha
CheeseHazard: through the desert
thinkandreact: that would really suck
CheeseHazard: first it would be swamp, then pine forest, then desert, then hills, then smog
CheeseHazard: then you
thinkandreact: I would seem pretty awesome after all that
CheeseHazard: you are awesome
CheeseHazard: ill give you my soul
At least someone loves me. Too bad he lives 3.5 million miles away. Much <3 to you Andrew....
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 15th, 2003
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1:29 pm - Good news and Bad news....
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GOOD: Spent time with the boy again. He really is delightful.
BAD: No matter how long it has been, no matter how long since I have seen or heard from some people, they still have this strong effect on me.
Ryan is one such person.
I was beginning to feel like after all this time Ryan was writing off our friendship. Would I blame him? I havent seen him in months, but we were close, it shouldnt be like this.
Recently he was supposed to get in touch with me. Actually it wasnt that recently, and the fact is...he never did. He is away in Portland, and I thought it was an out of sight, out of mind situation.
I sent him an email a few days ago. I was angry, and hurt, I said things I really didnt mean, called him names of things I really dont think he is.
He wrote back, VERY promptly. He called while I was away in L.A., my roommate didnt tell him where I was. I have been planning a trip back to Portland to visit for awhile. He hoped maybe I was there. I got emails all of a sudden this morning from people saying that Ryan had been wandering around asking if anyone had seen me, and wondering now if he had ever found me.
He didnt get mad at me in his letter for saying the things I said. He should of. He had a right to. And he watched for me. He told me he missed me. I am pathetic. I never will understand why he has left such an impression on me. Nothing ever happened between us (not that I didnt want it to) so there isnt anything like that to miss. We were only dear friends. You cant miss what you never had.
So why is my heart twisting like this...?
current mood:  indescribable
current music: March Violets, and the kittens ball with the bell in it....
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 13th, 2003
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7:17 pm - If you're bored then you're boring........
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So my roommate has gone away for three months on business. I have my whole house to myself. She and I never talk anyhow, but its very empty here now.
Someone needs to come hang out with me. I am bored and alone and lonely....
I am sitting here with my kitten eating marshmallows...blech.
Save me.
current mood:  discontent
current music: Crass - "Penny Rimbaud Spoken Word"
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 11th, 2003
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4:26 pm - Wheeeeeee.
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12:27 pm - Forgot:
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEVIN!!!!!
Much love to you!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
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(comment on this)
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12:14 pm - Move your asses here, and nobody gets hurt....
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All I have to say about last night is Mmmmmmmm.
Cute boy, nice bone structure, charming personality, cooking abilities. Awww Yeah.
I had a nice night.
On an even BETTER note:
Andrew may be coming all the way from New Orleans to visit me in march.
Things are looking up all of a sudden recently.
I have decided if I cant move to New Orleans, I will simply bring New Orleans to me.
Same will happen soon with portland people. Ryan will be pulled to CA also, just you wait and see.
current mood:  predatory
current music: The Clash - "Rudie Can't Fail"
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
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10:51 am - Tall cans in the air, let me see em, fuck you!
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Alright. This journal entry is bound to be long, but there is much to tell.
Went to San Diego. Was there Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Saturday I got off the bus and hung out with J, I looked like shit after spending 12 hours on greyhound, so we drove around until we found a moderately priced place for me to sleep.
For everyone who doesnt know, "moderately priced" is hotel speak for ultra ghetto crack motel. wheeee.
I showered and changed and we headed to pick up all his equiptment for the show that his band P.B.R. was doing that night. I met all the rest of the boys from the band and this really adorable girl Cat. Cat has the greatest parents in the world. I have never been so jealous in my life. She is also a drummer, and there is just not much cooler than a chick drummer.
Anyhow. We made it to the show, unloaded all the crap and I watched J's band play. First was Cheap Sex, which he plays guitar in. Next came P.B.R. which he sings for. Both were totally fabulous. J is completely beautiful and talented, so it was just really fun to watch the bands. Was crushing on everyone! There are some very attractive punk kids in that area. The other guitarist for Cheap Sex was really exceptional looking and REALLY tall *swoon* but I never got the nerve to talk to him.
Next came the New York Relix, who were entirely amazing. Both the guitarist and singer were these super cute, talented, inspiring girls. I spoke to them after the set and they were really sweet.
I hope to see them in San Fran on friday if I can make it.
After NYR, the lower class brats played. I have never been too into them, but they were really fun to be in the pit during. I got beat up quite a bit, which was great, its been awhile since I was in a good pit. During a cover of ultra violence I got trampled and almost died. I swear to god.
Next was Total Chaos, who I like on CD, but didnt like live. I only watched like one of the songs before I went a got very drunk on some underaged girls vodka. Yay.
All in all it was a great night.
The next day J had to work, (he works for TAANG! records) so I went into the shop with him and we just sort of hung out all day. I got paid for my company in TAANG! label Cd's. Almost everything he gave me was awesome.
The next day was really laid back and J and I just went around to a lot of cool little record stores and such. Then we went to Cats place and I watched he and Cat rock out together. He even adapted Sweet Child of Mine into a song about me, which was funny, but not, because he is a jackass. Hahah.
The bus ride back was soooo long. Mostly because I didnt really want to leave. It was fun being back in a scene like that again.
I spent way too much money on the trip, but got good music and such, which I will list now.
THINGS GIVEN TO ME:
P.B.R: Running from rebel road
The Business: Singles Collection
The Exploited: Totally exploited
Cock Sparrer: England belongs to me
The Dickies: Greatest hits live
Slaughter and the dogs: Best of (2 disks)
Battalion of saints: Death -R- Us
Menace: Best of Menace
The adicts: The collection (sound of music, smart alex, rarities)
Gang Green: Another wasted night
THINGS FROM SHOW:
New York Relix T-shirt, Hot pink
P.B.R T-shirt, white
Cheap Sex T-shirt, Yellow (I'm a whore for cheap sex) hah.
CD: The Turnoffs: Here to turn you off (demo given to me by some 14 year old who thought I was a club promoter)
THINGS BOUGHT IN STORES:
Gene Loves Jezebel 7": Gorgeous
Bolshoi 6 song E.P: Giants
Shriekback Record: Mercy Dash
Pat Benetar 7": Hit me with your best shot
Falco Record: Vienna Calling (tourist mix)
Cabaret Voltaire Cassette: Code
Agnostic Front Cassette: Liberty and just for....
Transplants: Self titled (This album is so great, its punk rap hybrid stuff, thats just so fun to listen to. I havent taken it out of my CD player since I bought it.)
Thats it.
Bottom line...I had a great time, even if J thinks he was boring. I will go back again for more visits soon.
current mood:  drained
current music: Transplants - "Tall Cans"
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(14 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, January 3rd, 2003
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11:52 am
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The plan below is not actual.
Just me rambling while drunk.
Taking a vaction until the 8th, I will see you all when I get back.
XOXOX
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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